First ceremony – death of illusions and fear.


Everything happens in the darkness. I feel pain in the body. The pain is paralyzing me. I see all the little things that are the illusions of my life. I see cloths the are tiny is the size, little trousers, hairbrushes… everything is shrinking, all the little girly stuff that you can find in the store… hair, looks… the way I present myself, all the illusions my life… shrinking and disappearing in the darkness. At the same time I feel threatened; I feel that something is trying to kill me. That there is some evil force trying to get me and I’m asking myself „why am I doing this? I trusted this people, but now I don’t know who they really are. Maybe there is some evil involved in the ceremony. I don’t know what I’m doing here…” I can recall the thoughts from before drinking – trust and to let go. This thought saves me. I tell myself: „just trust and let go, not to fight. I see snakes in the darkness, penetrating my body, searching for something. It is very unpleasant. I feel sick. My whole body is in pain. I fill pain in each little part of my body. How will I get out of this state? I think, maybe it is the place Buddhists talk about. Maybe I’m dying and what I see are the evil creatures trying to make me stuck in the place of illusions – some kind of hell or astral region. I’m trying to fight them, thinking I’m fighting for the right think, for myself, for my soul. That was the thought that kept me in this place. I wanted to go to the light, that is what I expected will happen in the ceremony. I wanted to have a great spiritual experience, but all I see is the darkness, flying little objects and feel pain. I don’t know where to go, I can’t find any spirituality in me and I always thought I’m a spiritual person. I feel threatened. I see black birds with big eyes and nibs. They are waiting for me, for my body. I’m so tired, laying down and feeling like I have a gun pointed to my head. I will be shut any second and I have no choice, I know that this is the last second of my life and I have no chance for living. I’m to tired to fight so I’m just laying curled up on the ground and accepting my inescapable death. I’m killed. I see the births tearing apart my body in one second I died, I gave up everything, my life, fighting. I hear a voice: „finally you gave up, finally you gave up the fight”. So I’m dead. But somehow I exist. I don’t know what it is that is me, I don’t know what exists, but I am and I’m sure that it wasn’t that „me” who came to the ceremony. I have this strange, unusual feeling, that I always have been and always will be and there is no end of „me”. The way I feel myself now it is different „me”, that I thought was „me”. There is something so certain in this state of being, feeling of total calmness, peace and security. I know that there’s nothing that can threaten me, there’s nothing that can kill me because I am forever, always have been and always will be. The snakes were searching for everything that is not me, that is not real, for something they can get and destroy, something that makes me sick, unhappy, suffer and lost. Letting them kill my illusionary self made me free from fear and tension in my body – readiness to fight for something I thought was me and as predicted, can be destroyed.

I had this split second vision of someone laying down with dragonfly wings unfolded without any strength to get up. I have the thought, that it is probably a creation my mind based on some new age stories about angels and fairies, so I don’t accept it. I tell myself I’m a human being and what fallows this thought is an expectation to me born like an human being. So I’m waiting for my mother’s call of love, thinking that this is probably memory of by birth. I suppose someone should want me to live and this will is what makes me live. But I hear no call… I know that my mother didn’t want a child and waiting for invitation from the pas is useless. Somehow I also know that this is the thought from my head, one of the scripts I have – I should be born out of love, my mother’s love. So I decide to take life myself. And I fell, that if I don’t make the decision to live, to take responsibility and make an effort, no one would do it for me. And the moment I make the decision for living, I hear beautiful song. Sonia, our curandero’s girlfriend is singing. That song is like a flower growing in me, very gentle, very beautiful, lake stars shining in the darkness of my just found soul. Lifting me up, calling me to live, waking up for real life. But still I don’t know who I am. Who it is who is being born. When the music stops I see only darkness, no visions, no clues where to go. All I know that what is an essence of me is a sound, a vibration. I go outside to experience the nature in this new state of being. And all around me also seems to be vibration. Not only the grass and stones are vibrating but also I can see the sound that grogs make as a vibration. Whole world looks like net of different kind of waves that interact with each other. I sit down on the little hill and just look around amazed by what I see. But another disturbing thought comes to my mind: “I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but what I expected from this ceremony was meeting God, some kind of light creature, so I fell little disappointed. Maybe I don’t deserve it…?”.

But the Spirit off the plant surprises me. The lake, the grass, the dog, and all this scene with myself in it, appears to me like a form of God, not the form I expected to see- bright figure separated from me, but the form which is all creation – an omnipresent vibration. God is all around me an also inside me of being alive, LIFE. God show himself totally different way than I expected.

Well… now, from the perspective of year and a half… Anxiety is gone, I don’t have any more depressive states, I have a deep feeling of who I really am. There were few more ceremonies I participated in, but this one was the most transforming if it comes to fear and anxiety that sometimes had paralyzed me, making my life very difficult.

Ewa Holt, 2008

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